Dangermouse and Chocolate
by Bonny McLellan
Summary: A mouth-watering, tastebud-tingling, utterly delicious adventure of - Dangermouse! Set in the world of the 1980s TV series', and particularly based on the written versions of the cartoons that appeared in the book "The Dangermouse File".


London. Home of the Chocolate Festival, the Chocolate Museum, and Hotel Chocolat. And in a pillar-box in Mayfair, close to Thorntons, La Maison du Chocolat and Leonidas, the world's greatest secret agent waits for his sweet-toothed assistant Penfold to bring home the shopping.

Dangermouse was reclining on the sofa reading _Chocolate Conoisseur_ magazine when Penfold came in. "Hello Chief, I'm back!" called his assistant cheerily.  
Dangermouse looked up. "Ah, good! Hm – Penfold, did you get that chocolate I put on the shopping list?"  
Penfold wrinkled his brow. "What, the mountain bar?"  
"Yes, that's the one," Dangermouse nodded.  
Penfold looked at the floor. "No, they didn't have any."  
"Oh, but that's my favourite!" Dangermouse folded his arms in irritation.  
"I know, DM," agreed Penfold. "I got some of these _Tasty Toads_ instead – they're something new. They were very expensive, though," he added, handing the mouse a candy-striped paper bag.  
Dangermouse took out one of the chocolate bars. "Hmmm... _'Tasty Toads'._ " He frowned. "Funny. Sounds familiar somehow..."  
At that moment the alarm bells rang on the videophone.  
"That'll be Colonel K!" said Dangermouse.

"Ah, DM!" said the Colonel importantly, appearing on the screen. "I've got some bad news, I'm afraid."  
"Me, too, sir," quipped Dangermouse. "Penfold couldn't get my chocolate mountain bar this morning." He pulled a face.  
"It's a disaster, DM!" cried the Colonel.  
"Well, I wouldn't say that, sir," Dangermouse conceded. "It's only a bar of chocolate."  
"No, no, man!" roared K. "It's not just mountain bars, DM! Sent Miss Boathook out earlier to get me a Curly Wurly. Nothing! Every kind of chocolate in the world has disappeared! Only thing anyone can get hold of is these ghastly toad thingies!" He brandished one of the _Tasty Toad_ sweets at the screen.  
Dangermouse thought for a moment. "Hm, a ghastly toad... Penfold, pass me one of those again, would you?" He turned it over and read the back of the packet. " _'Greenback Chocolate Company'._ The fiend! I might've guessed!"  
"You've got to stop him, DM!" growled the Colonel, banging his fist on his desk. "He's striking at the very foundations of human civilization! Without chocolate, soon the whole world will be on its knees!"  
"That's very true, sir," Dangermouse nodded.  
"But how will we know where to find him?" Penfold asked.  
Dangermouse examined the chocolate bar again. "The wrapper says: _'Made in Switzerland'._ We're on our way, Colonel!" He pulled at his assistant's arm: "Come _on,_ Penfold!"

The Mark III was soon soaring over the Swiss mountains. Dangermouse pointed down at them. "Look Penfold – the Alps."  
"I don't see how it helps at all," Penfold grumbled.  
Dangermouse rolled his eye. "Not _helps,_ Penfold – _Alps._ And look – you see that precipitous perpendicular peak down there?"  
Penfold peered nervously out of the car window. "What, the precipitous perpendicular peak with the panoramic pastoral periphery?"  
"That's the one. Notice anything familiar about it?"  
Penfold took another peek. "Ooh!" he squealed. "It looks just like the picture on those chocolate mountain bars you like!"  
Dangermouse nodded authoritatively. "Yes; it's the _Matterhorn."  
_ "The what?"  
"Doesn't matter. Hold on, there's a picturesque Swiss mountain village down there. I'm going in to take a closer look."

The Mark III dropped down between the mountains, narrowly missed the spire of the little village church, and skidded to a halt in the main square. _"Kaiserschmarrn!"_ swore a lederhosen-clad marmot. It waved its notepad officiously at them.  
" _Kein parking hier!"_ the marmot screeched, indicating a circular sign that had a picture of a car crossed by a diagonal red line: No Cars Allowed. Pointing a finger at a road sign, and then at the nearby station, the creature insisted they must take their car back down the road, and enter the village by train.  
"But...but!" spluttered Dangermouse; "this is an emergency! I'm the world's greatest secret agent – on official business!" But the marmot just shook its head, and in the end they had no choice but to drive back down the road, and leave the Mark III in the municipal car park.

The electric train journey back up the valley to the village was frustratingly slow. Dangermouse was in a sulk: he fidgeted about, drumming his fingers on the arm of his seat in annoyance. Penfold, however, was quite pleased to be enjoying a slow-moving, non-frightening mode of transport for once, and was admiring the attractive scenery.  
When they finally reached the village, Dangermouse led Penfold to the information board, to see if it could tell them anything useful. While he was trying to calculate the relative locations of the pistes and the height above mean sea level of the various lift stations, Penfold started bouncing up and down like an overexcited toddler. "Ooh, DM!" he squeaked, pointing at one of the advertisements around the edge of the board. "A cheese fondue cable car ride! Can we go on it? _Please,_ Dangermouse, can we, can we?!"  
Dangermouse was about to suggest to Penfold that there was quite enough food in this story already, when he stopped and considered. "Well..." he admitted, "I suppose it'd give us a good view of the area. I'm not bothered about the fondue of course," he added nonchalantly, "but I expect you'll enjoy it."

That afternoon found our heroes sitting in the cable car as it gently climbed the mountain slopes above the village. A small table dressed with a red-and-white checkered tablecloth had been squeezed into the cabin, and on it stood a large fondue pot, brimming with tasty melted Swiss cheese. It smelt delicious!  
"Don't you want some of this, Penfold?" asked Dangermouse, who found his mouth watering as he dipped the first cube of bread in, and watched the liquid cheese drip temptingly off.  
"In a minute, DM," said Penfold loftily, looking at the snowy mountains through binoculars. "I'm watching out to see if I can spot any clues. I might be able to earn some credit towards my Secret Agent's Assistant (Third Class) certificate!"  
Dangermouse chuckled, and helped himself to another piece of bread. _"You,_ Penfold," he sniggered; "find any _clues?! Really_ now..." He munched the tasty dairy-product-dipped morsel and sighed. "Mmmm, Penfold – this is really cheesy!"  
"A bit like the plot of this story then!" Penfold commented.

While Dangermouse ate, Penfold continued to scan the icy slopes. As they neared the top station of the cable car, he jumped out of his seat and shrieked, "Cor DM, look! Chocolate!"  
"Oh Penfold, you're always thinking about food," smiled Dangermouse dreamily with his mouth full.  
'It takes one to know one', the hamster thought. He jumped up and down, waved the binoculars and pointed, until finally Dangermouse looked up. On the slope at the foot of the Matterhorn peak, stood a strange, triangular structure.  
Dangermouse grabbed the binoculars and took a closer look. Hardly believing what he saw, he cried, "Good grief! What's that?!" It looks like...a giant chocolate mountain bar! You know what this means, Penfold?!"  
"We're going to have to climb all the way up there?" groaned Penfold gloomily. "Oh 'eck!"  
" _No –_ er, well, _yes,_ Penfold. But more important than that – we've discovered the Baron's hideout! He must've constructed it using the chocolate he's stolen! Tomorrow, we'll take a closer look and find out exactly what he's up to."

Inside his latest hideout, Baron Silas Greenback reclined in a circular bathtub lined with blocks of the finest chocolate couverture. In place of water, it was filled with warm, liquid chocolate. His evil pet caterpillar, Nero, was dangling over the side, lapping at the delicious stuff with his tongue.  
"And so, Stiletto," croaked the nefarious toad, "now the world's entire supply of cocoa is at my command! Deprived of chocolate, soon the nations will capitulate! The whole world will be forced to buy _my_ products – at vastly inflated prices! My Confectionery Constructor is already producing a _Tasty Toad_ every single second. It is genius, is it not, Stiletto?"  
"Si, Barone," his henchman gasped, struggling to pack the hundreds of chocolates coming off the production line into cardboard boxes. As he fought in vain to keep up, they streamed onto the floor around him, piling higher and higher, until only his large nose was visible. "Eh Barone," suggested the crow; "maybe I take a little chocolate break, si?"  
The toad glowered. "Stiletto, you fool, keep working! We will need millions of _Tasty Toads_ to supply the entire world!"  
"But I'm-a _hungry,_ Barone!" wailed the crow unhappily.  
"Shut up!" snarled Greenback angrily, "or I'll replace you with a Swiss gnome!"  
At that moment, a screen on the wall flickered into life, and the two villains saw an image of Dangermouse and Penfold trudging through the deep snow, approaching the Baron's hideout.  
"Look Barone!" cried Stiletto in fear. "Dangermouse, he come!"  
The Baron smiled conceitedly. "But he will never get in, Stiletto! A Swiss mountain bar has no doors or windows! The walls are 10 feet thick and reinforced with sticky nougat! No-one could ever break through. But in any case," he added, "I have a few sweet surprises in store for him and his fat friend." He laughed an evil laugh, and jabbed at a chocolate button beside the bathtub with his finger.

Dangermouse and Penfold had been trekking through waist-deep snow - at least, it was waist-deep for Dangermouse; Penfold could hardly see where he was going - for several hours, but at last they were nearing the enormous mountain bar perched on the snow-clad slopes. Now, lying down behind a rock for cover – and to allow a puffing and panting Penfold to get his breath back – Dangermouse lifted the binoculars and scanned the hideout's sheer glossy chocolate walls. Embossed into each triangular section, letters were visible. Dangermouse started to read them out: "T – O – B – L – E – R -..." He snorted witheringly. "Nice try, Greenback, but I'm not going to be fooled _that_ easily." He put his hands on his hips defiantly and stared up at the huge structure. "The question is – how do we get in?"  
"We could wait until summer, and then perhaps...it would melt!" suggested Penfold, always keen to take the easy route out of an adventure.  
The mouse gave his assistant a look of disapproval.  
Penfold got up from behind the rock and wandered closer to the chocolate monstrosity. "Doesn't seem to have any kind of door..." he mused.  
"Careful, Penfold," warned Dangermouse, still sheltering behind the rock. "Knowing the Baron, there's bound to be some kind of monstrous machine designed to try and stop us."

As he spoke, a trap-door opened in the rocky ground between them and the hideout, and out of it rose an enormous alphorn. Dangermouse put his fingers in his ears – he'd heard alphorns being played before, and didn't much care for the noise they made. But the only sound this one made was a faint 'pop', as a shiny, elliptical object was ejected from the lower end of the horn, and then a thin whistle as it fell to the ground not far from where Penfold was standing.  
"Don't touch it, Penfold!" shouted Dangermouse; "it might be a bomb!"  
Penfold looked at the object. It was egg-shaped, and covered in attractive, shiny paper, with a design of fluffy chicks and cute bunnies...  
"Good grief!" exclaimed Dangermouse. "An Easter egg!"  
Suddenly there was a loud bang, and everything was blotted out by smoke for a moment. As it cleared, Penfold, blackened and coughing, turned to his boss. "Ooh, Chief!" he wailed; "it _eggsploded!"  
_ DM ventured out from behind the rock to try and bring his dazed assistant back to safety. But as he did so, the alphorn began to disgorge a hail of chocolate bullets. Stretching out a long arm, he grabbed his friend's hand and yanked him back behind the rock. They cowered as the chocolate bullets rained around them. Then, after a while, there was silence.  
Penfold poked his head above the rock. "I think they've stopped, Chief! Ow!" He hadn't noticed the shiny brown grenade that was descending inexorably towards him – not until it bopped him on the head and knocked him out.  
The grenade had shattered as it landed, and Penfold came round surrounded by multicoloured chocolate beans, and with Dangermouse patting his face and asking, "Penfold…are you alright?"  
Penfold was more than alright once he saw all those chocolate beans. "Ooh, _sweeties!"_ he cried, and immediately jumped up and began to pop them into his mouth, one by one.  
Dangermouse sighed. "Penfold!" he scolded; "this is no time to get distracted by eating!" Then he paused, and a thought struck him. "Wait a minute! Penfold, I think you may just have found the way into the Baron's hideout!"  
"Eh?" said Penfold with his mouth full.  
"Come on!" cried Dangermouse, running towards the chocolate hideout and pulling his friend behind him.

Baron Greenback was lying sleepily in his bath of chocolate, eyes closed, while Stiletto continued to toil on the chocolate production line. Gradually, though, they became aware of a strange sound. It sounded like something munching...something guzzling...something _licking its lips!_ The toad opened his eyes and saw his henchman cowering in fear. "What'sa _that,_ Barone?!"  
The evil pair watched in dismay as part of the wall of the hideout crumbled and fell away. Out of the hole stepped a satisfied-looking Dangermouse. He wiped his mouth triumphantly with his hand. Terrified, Stiletto put his hands up. _Tasty Toad_ chocolates showered off the production line and covered him.  
Penfold stepped cautiously out of the hole behind Dangermouse. He burped loudly, covered his mouth, and giggled. "Penfold – _shush,"_ chided the mouse.  
The Baron was aghast. "But...my chocolate hideout...it's impregnable!" he hissed.  
Dangermouse smiled victoriously. "You underestimated my love of Swiss chocolate, Baron." He patted his full tummy. Then, seemingly out of nowhere, he produced a large chocolate pudding, out of the top of which poked a lighted wick. "Now come out of that bath and surrender, or I'll blow your hideout into tiny chocolate hundreds-and-thousands!"  
"A chocolate bombe!" gasped the Baron. He looked embarrassed. "But I can't get out! I am not wearing any swimming trunks!"  
"In that case, Baron," said Dangermouse firmly, "I'm afraid you're going to get your _just desserts!"_ And he tossed the bombe into the bath of chocolate.

A massive explosion tore through the hideout. As it cleared, the shattered ruins were revealed, the roof now blown off and the mountains towering above. Everyone and everything was covered in a sticky layer of melted chocolate. Baron Greenback was edging awkwardly away to find his clothes, covering himself with a large piece of broken chocolate. Stiletto, taking the chance to finally enjoy some of the chocolate, had picked up Nero and was blissfully licking his fur; the caterpillar growled and bristled in disgust.  
DM looked at his assistant, dripping with liquid chocolate. "Penfold," he grinned.  
"Yes Chief?"  
"You look good enough to eat!"

Back in their pillar-box home, Dangermouse and Penfold were in the bathroom, discussing their successful mission with Colonel K via the videophone. The Colonel was munching happily on his favourite chocolate bar, and Penfold, his eyes closed in ecstasy, was floating in the bath, which was filled with molten chocolate.  
"So apparently bathing in chocolate is really good for the skin," Dangermouse explained. "That's why the Baron was trying it – although if you ask me, it would take more than a bit of chocolate to get rid of all _his_ wrinkles!" He laughed. "I'm hoping to try it too, but Penfold beat me to the bath again." He raised his eyebrow ruefully.  
"Bad show, DM!" replied the Colonel humorously. "You want to give him a good licking when he gets out!" He started to chortle at his own joke.  
At first, Penfold didn't get it. "A good li- ?" he began, confused. Then he started to giggle. "Oh, I see! A _good licking?! Hee hee hee!"  
_ Dangermouse gave his boss a disapproving look. "Colonel! That sounds like it was thought up by some kind of dirty-minded fanfiction writer!"  
The Colonel snorted with laughter. "Hahah! Just a joke, DM!" he winked.  
"Yes sir," replied Dangermouse. _"Just."_


End file.
